An interesting question posed by author Sarka-Jonae Miller. I like any woman have made those poor choices. None of the reasons here apply to me, I just like douchebags sigh lol However for an author who has written a book an a gal who man hops and then questions her man choices it’s a topic to ponder. Check out Between Boyfriends and ladies enjoy the single life. I do.
Why women make poor relationship choices by Sarka-Jonae Miller
What first inspired me to write my debut novel Between Boyfriends was my frustration with friends who constantly ditched me for some guy. Sometimes this meant canceling plans at the last minute when their boyfriends called and sometimes this meant that when we would go out, I would find myself alone almost immediately. What was supposed to be a fun girls night out frequently became another one night stand for my friends and another night of me dancing with wing men or other girls not looking to hook up. So when I sat down to write the novel, I decided my character was going to be one of “those girls” and my task became figuring out why girls like her were so desperate for male attention, even at the expensive of their friendships, their education and their sanity (as well as mine). I started to wonder, why did these women make such poor relationship choices? Where do these bad relationship instincts come from and why can’t we let them go, along with the guys who quickly prove themselves not worth our time.
I did a little digging and a lot of thinking to discover why my character, Jan, would jump from bad relationship to relationship, never learning from her mistakes and always prioritizing the men over everything else in her life. What I had already knew was that Jan’s identity was wrapped up in being someone’s girlfriend. Without a relationship, she felt like a loser. With a guy, she feels important. She puts up with so much crap and works so hard to keep her unhealthy relationships to avoid feeling worthless.
But why does anyone feel that way? Most major religions and spiritual philosophies teach that all people are One, that everyone is equal, that we are all family. Science shows that humans are all pretty much the same genetically. Even people who are considered particularly attractive, intelligent, athletic, well liked, or successful are no more or less a human being than anyone else. So why would Jan, a pretty girl with tons of money and a kind heart (albeit hidden underneath a rough exterior), feel insecure, inadequate, and inept?
In her case, and for many people, Jan’s relationship issues stem from negative experiences early in her life. Jan was aware of her mother’s disappointment in her for as long as she could remember. Her father had no idea how to relate to her, and thus pretty much ignored her. Jan felt that she was not valued. Other women may not feel special as little girls for different reasons. Maybe a parent left or the child blames herself for a divorce? Maybe she became the unfortunate victim of bullying? Perhaps a trauma or failure in her childhood made her feel like she less valuable than other people.
When these girls grow up, they try to use relationships to fix the problems of their youth. Some women may seek to be famous to make up for the attention or popularity they missed as a child. Some women may try to gain power by becoming a CEO, a soldier, a sex symbol, or a billionaire because in some way they felt powerless as a child. But for many women, a relationship is the balm that soothes their psychic wounds. I suspect this is because we are told finding our prince means we will live happily ever after. Romantic comedies end with a proposal or declaration of love. Classic films may show two characters riding off into the sunset together. Disney movies usually end with a wedding. Even Jane Austen ended her books with a wedding or proposal. It is a tried and true method for delivering a happy ending wrapped up with a neat little bow. But does marriage solve anything? Does it undo all the insecurities, trauma and negative beliefs girls have? Of course not. It seems obvious when you think about it, but the romantic in us argues that a relationship equals happiness.
So little girls grow up and they try to heal their past with winning the love of a man, sometimes any man who will have them, any man whose fidelity can symbolize the attainment of a lost parent or a lost innocence. Being in a relationship means we are no longer the girl who lost the spelling bee, peed our pants, didn’t get a Valentine, lost a parent to divorce, was the one picked last in PE, was not invited to the party, had the horrible nickname in grade school, etc. Now we are such-and-such’s girl, and that girl is infinitely better than who we were, even if such-and-such is a jerk.
Join Sarka’s blog tour and win an autographed copy of Janet Evanovich’s novel Motor Mouth or a signed picture of American Idol star Lauren Alaina. Check out her blog for details. You can also get a free copy of Between Boyfriends on Amazon November 2.